I always thought that I would enjoy being a mom. I knew that I would love my kids beyond any I could imagine. And people will tell you that it's amazing being a parent. Sure, I figured that. But words cannot describe what it's really like to be a parent until it actually happens.
One of the first things that became more clear to me was how much God really loves us. We look at Graham and would do anything for him. And when he cries or is grumpy or is smiling, we love him. Suddenly having those feelings for my own child made me realize how much God really loves us. I got it before but without actually feeling those feelings, I don't know how much I really got it. When Graham got his heel pricked for a blood test and he screamed and screamed because they were squeezing to get blood out, we came home and Nick said "I would have taken your place, Graham, if I could have". And that's exactly what God did with his Son. Wow. I mean I knew that...but now we can actually feel it and becomes a little clearer.
And you know how parents say that every little thing their kid does is cute? Yeah, that's true. Non-parents might think it's weird or a little over the top but just wait! You will have your child and everything is adorable. Even changing a poopy diaper isn't horrible (and you will end up wearing it from time to time...still trying to figure out how poop got splattered high on the wall in the nursery...). It's your kid! You made them and their slobber, spit up, pee, poop, boogers...it's all good because you made them! Now to change another kids poopy...that's different because they aren't mine. I would do it, dont' get me wrong, but I might be a little more phased by it.
I am starting to see kids and babies in a different light. I was in Target and heard a baby cry. Suddenly I wasn't grimacing at the sound but instead, my heart sank because I knew that little baby needed somthing and it made me think of Graham. And anytime I see a little kid on tv or in the news, I think of Graham. The thought of something happening to him makes my stomach flip over. Of course I knew I would love him this much but you can never understand what that emotion feels like until the baby arrives. It's undescribable. It's like a switch is flipped on inside of you and the needs of your little one come first. There have been mornings where Nick had to remind me to eat breakfast (and I hardly ever miss breakfast) because Graham needed fed or was crying and needed held. I wanted to make sure he was okay first.
Nick's dad was adopted at the age of 2 months. He spent the first 2 months of his life in an orphanage where the nuns didn't pick him up much (because there were other kids and not enough people to go around). Graham is 2 months. I look back over the past couple of months and think of him laying in his crib crying for someone to come get him and no one does. That makes me heart sink and I feel for my father-in-law. I think alot of how babies are treated at a younger age can affect them (like Nick's dad isn't great at showing emotion). The other day Graham was just chilling in his bouncy seat so I set him outside the shower door and got in the shower. About halfway thru my shower he started whimpering. I was trying to hurry up and finish my shower and rinse off and his whimper turned into a full blown cry and scream of desperation. I had to finish my shower and get the soap off me so I hurried, dried off, and picked him up (naked and with wet hair but you do what you gotta do). He stopped crying and was down to heavy breathing because he got himself so worked up. He just wanted me to hold him and let him know I was there. It actually makes me feel good knowing that when I pick him up from such a scream that he knows that everything is okay. I held him for awhile to calm him down (still naked...). I put him back down and made sure he was comfy and he just looked at me and went to sleep. If that doesn't melt your heart I don't know what will! Anyways enough of my sentimental blabber.
So for all you moms out there - here's to you. And to all you who want to be moms, get ready! It's crazier and more amazing and harder than you could ever imagine. But its so worth it.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Fun stuff on Friday
Hey! I'm posting a post! Amazing I know. I am at 39 weeks and the countdown has begun on waiting for little baby Graham to get here. Daddy tries to coax him out with a pep talk every day.
So just for fun! Here's to you JH! Oh and JH - just so you know, you forgot #7 in your list.... :)
8 things I wish I could do...
1) Go into labor and have a perfectly healthy baby boy very soon (I know...it's not that long aways but now I'm getting anxious!)
2)Sing - it's not bad but it's not fabulous.
3)Go on vacation - Nick and I cannot wait until we are out of debt and able to travel to fun places
4)Make gravy. I'm the world's worse gravy maker....I always end up doing the packets but those are pretty good!
5)See where our cat Inky goes all day and what he does that makes him come back with dirt, burrs and oil stuck all over him
6) Have a maid. OH how I would LOVE THAT! Someday, SOMEDAY I tell you!
7) I HAVE A NUMBER 7 - that's all that matters
8)Make my hubby a german chocolate black forest cake like we had at the German place in Louisville....he wanted to kiss the cook for that one!
8 shows I enjoy...
1)Say Yes to the Dress (that's addicting)
2)Police Women of Memphis (hehehe cops shows are fun)
3) Pawn Stars (also addicting)
4)16 and pregnant
5)Cool history shows on the history channel
6)Flip that House
7)Property Ladder
8)The Office
Viola! Aren't you amazed now? I am...I posted a post.
So just for fun! Here's to you JH! Oh and JH - just so you know, you forgot #7 in your list.... :)
8 things I wish I could do...
1) Go into labor and have a perfectly healthy baby boy very soon (I know...it's not that long aways but now I'm getting anxious!)
2)Sing - it's not bad but it's not fabulous.
3)Go on vacation - Nick and I cannot wait until we are out of debt and able to travel to fun places
4)Make gravy. I'm the world's worse gravy maker....I always end up doing the packets but those are pretty good!
5)See where our cat Inky goes all day and what he does that makes him come back with dirt, burrs and oil stuck all over him
6) Have a maid. OH how I would LOVE THAT! Someday, SOMEDAY I tell you!
7) I HAVE A NUMBER 7 - that's all that matters
8)Make my hubby a german chocolate black forest cake like we had at the German place in Louisville....he wanted to kiss the cook for that one!
8 shows I enjoy...
1)Say Yes to the Dress (that's addicting)
2)Police Women of Memphis (hehehe cops shows are fun)
3) Pawn Stars (also addicting)
4)16 and pregnant
5)Cool history shows on the history channel
6)Flip that House
7)Property Ladder
8)The Office
Viola! Aren't you amazed now? I am...I posted a post.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
YUM!
I LOVE Sabra brand Hummus. Enough said. RUN don't walk to your nearest Publix while they are still one sale.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Miracles Happen!
Ah yes - after my last depressing post of woe is me, God had some plans. Not very long after that, I found out I was pregnant!! I am now 13 weeks and we have made the official announcement to everyone that we are expecting miracle #1 in July. The 24/7 nausea is starting to ease up (I hope for good!) and I am looking forward to getting some energy back. What a journey this has been and we can't wait for this next journey in our life.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Journey
Yes I know. I am perhaps the world's worst blogger. It's been almost 3 months since my last blog! But today was one of those days where I thought it might be a bit theraputic to blog.
You never imagine what life is going to throw at you. I have come to the decision that it is best not to be able to see into the future and that its better off to live in ignorant bliss. You get married and spend the first years of your married life avoiding pregnancy. Then one day you decide "Hey! Lets have kids!". To be perfectly honest, I thought I was pretty darn fertile. I thought it would happen right away. But no one ever knows if they are affected by infertility until they start the journey. That's where that ignorant bliss comes in - otherwise you would be a total mess right off the bat!
It's 13 months later. 13 long grueling months. Words cannot describe what this journey can do to you. It becomes an obsession. It becomes what you only saw from the outside, but now it's you walking that same path. I have a very close friend who was trying for years. I felt for her but never could really grasp the pain she went through. Now she is pregnant with twins through in-vitro (Praise God!). I started the journey right behind her and learned a hard lesson from it (listen up!!): Never give advice to someone unless you've been in that exact situation before. Never. Don't tell me that I should look into adopting or that God has it all under control (which we all know He does). Have you ever woke up at the same time (5am) every single day (including weekends) to take your temperature to track your cycle? Or laid in bed in pain because you had to use the bathroom so bad but couldn't becuase if you move, it will throw off your temperature that you need to take when your alarm goes off? Or not drinking anything past 7pm to avoid having to use the restroom and lay in bed in pain at night. Have you ever bought so many stinking ovulation predictor strips and plastic cups that you might want to consider owning stock in it? How about taking multiple rounds of Clomid which gives you hotflashes throughout the night making you not really ever get a sound night of sleep because you are always woken up in a fit of sweat? There is so much emotional pain that goes with it that it's more helpful to walk right along side that person. One scripture verse isn't going to make it all better.
I'm glad we started seeing Dr. Hill at Nashville Fertility Center. So many questions have been answered that I have been trying to hard to find out. Going back, I wish I would have lied about how long we had been trying so we could start this journey sooner. But there is no wishing backwards - only going forwards. I am bracing myself for the next 3-4 weeks. It's going to be an intensive journey as I have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I will be on 2 hormone altering drugs at the same time as well as some more ultrasounds, an x-ray with injectable dye, a hormone shot and an IUI. And let's hope my cycle times up so this all gets done before Thanksgiving. Watch out world - you may want to avoid me for the next 3 weeks as I am not even sure what will happen.
God is our God; He will be our guide til the very end (Psalm 48:14). This was the verse Nick and I chose to have engraved on our wedding rings. I have faith in my God. It's not always easy and there have been times where I do ask questions but deep down I know that God is walking right beside me.
You never imagine what life is going to throw at you. I have come to the decision that it is best not to be able to see into the future and that its better off to live in ignorant bliss. You get married and spend the first years of your married life avoiding pregnancy. Then one day you decide "Hey! Lets have kids!". To be perfectly honest, I thought I was pretty darn fertile. I thought it would happen right away. But no one ever knows if they are affected by infertility until they start the journey. That's where that ignorant bliss comes in - otherwise you would be a total mess right off the bat!
It's 13 months later. 13 long grueling months. Words cannot describe what this journey can do to you. It becomes an obsession. It becomes what you only saw from the outside, but now it's you walking that same path. I have a very close friend who was trying for years. I felt for her but never could really grasp the pain she went through. Now she is pregnant with twins through in-vitro (Praise God!). I started the journey right behind her and learned a hard lesson from it (listen up!!): Never give advice to someone unless you've been in that exact situation before. Never. Don't tell me that I should look into adopting or that God has it all under control (which we all know He does). Have you ever woke up at the same time (5am) every single day (including weekends) to take your temperature to track your cycle? Or laid in bed in pain because you had to use the bathroom so bad but couldn't becuase if you move, it will throw off your temperature that you need to take when your alarm goes off? Or not drinking anything past 7pm to avoid having to use the restroom and lay in bed in pain at night. Have you ever bought so many stinking ovulation predictor strips and plastic cups that you might want to consider owning stock in it? How about taking multiple rounds of Clomid which gives you hotflashes throughout the night making you not really ever get a sound night of sleep because you are always woken up in a fit of sweat? There is so much emotional pain that goes with it that it's more helpful to walk right along side that person. One scripture verse isn't going to make it all better.
I'm glad we started seeing Dr. Hill at Nashville Fertility Center. So many questions have been answered that I have been trying to hard to find out. Going back, I wish I would have lied about how long we had been trying so we could start this journey sooner. But there is no wishing backwards - only going forwards. I am bracing myself for the next 3-4 weeks. It's going to be an intensive journey as I have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I will be on 2 hormone altering drugs at the same time as well as some more ultrasounds, an x-ray with injectable dye, a hormone shot and an IUI. And let's hope my cycle times up so this all gets done before Thanksgiving. Watch out world - you may want to avoid me for the next 3 weeks as I am not even sure what will happen.
God is our God; He will be our guide til the very end (Psalm 48:14). This was the verse Nick and I chose to have engraved on our wedding rings. I have faith in my God. It's not always easy and there have been times where I do ask questions but deep down I know that God is walking right beside me.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
These are the days of our lives...
Oh the days you wish you could crawl back into bed and stay there. The days where you have unanswered questions and heartbreak. You know how you have the days where you have a super strong faith in God and no matter what happens, you know it will be okay? Those are sometimes followed by the "Why God? I don't get it" days. I hate those. I hate asking those questions but yet find it so theraputic and I know that God doesn't mind me having questions. But I have to keep going along because to lose that faith would be an even bigger heartbreak. So for now I will rest in His assurance and know that it is well with my soul.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Hungry?
Who really gets full by eating these? I just had one. It was yummy - but I could eat like 3 of these. And I ate it at 11am - it's going to be a long day.
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