The Journey

Yes I know. I am perhaps the world's worst blogger. It's been almost 3 months since my last blog! But today was one of those days where I thought it might be a bit theraputic to blog.

You never imagine what life is going to throw at you. I have come to the decision that it is best not to be able to see into the future and that its better off to live in ignorant bliss. You get married and spend the first years of your married life avoiding pregnancy. Then one day you decide "Hey! Lets have kids!". To be perfectly honest, I thought I was pretty darn fertile. I thought it would happen right away. But no one ever knows if they are affected by infertility until they start the journey. That's where that ignorant bliss comes in - otherwise you would be a total mess right off the bat!

It's 13 months later. 13 long grueling months. Words cannot describe what this journey can do to you. It becomes an obsession. It becomes what you only saw from the outside, but now it's you walking that same path. I have a very close friend who was trying for years. I felt for her but never could really grasp the pain she went through. Now she is pregnant with twins through in-vitro (Praise God!). I started the journey right behind her and learned a hard lesson from it (listen up!!): Never give advice to someone unless you've been in that exact situation before. Never. Don't tell me that I should look into adopting or that God has it all under control (which we all know He does). Have you ever woke up at the same time (5am) every single day (including weekends) to take your temperature to track your cycle? Or laid in bed in pain because you had to use the bathroom so bad but couldn't becuase if you move, it will throw off your temperature that you need to take when your alarm goes off? Or not drinking anything past 7pm to avoid having to use the restroom and lay in bed in pain at night. Have you ever bought so many stinking ovulation predictor strips and plastic cups that you might want to consider owning stock in it? How about taking multiple rounds of Clomid which gives you hotflashes throughout the night making you not really ever get a sound night of sleep because you are always woken up in a fit of sweat? There is so much emotional pain that goes with it that it's more helpful to walk right along side that person. One scripture verse isn't going to make it all better.

I'm glad we started seeing Dr. Hill at Nashville Fertility Center. So many questions have been answered that I have been trying to hard to find out. Going back, I wish I would have lied about how long we had been trying so we could start this journey sooner. But there is no wishing backwards - only going forwards. I am bracing myself for the next 3-4 weeks. It's going to be an intensive journey as I have been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I will be on 2 hormone altering drugs at the same time as well as some more ultrasounds, an x-ray with injectable dye, a hormone shot and an IUI. And let's hope my cycle times up so this all gets done before Thanksgiving. Watch out world - you may want to avoid me for the next 3 weeks as I am not even sure what will happen.

God is our God; He will be our guide til the very end (Psalm 48:14). This was the verse Nick and I chose to have engraved on our wedding rings. I have faith in my God. It's not always easy and there have been times where I do ask questions but deep down I know that God is walking right beside me.

These are the days of our lives...

Oh the days you wish you could crawl back into bed and stay there. The days where you have unanswered questions and heartbreak. You know how you have the days where you have a super strong faith in God and no matter what happens, you know it will be okay? Those are sometimes followed by the "Why God? I don't get it" days. I hate those. I hate asking those questions but yet find it so theraputic and I know that God doesn't mind me having questions. But I have to keep going along because to lose that faith would be an even bigger heartbreak. So for now I will rest in His assurance and know that it is well with my soul.

Hungry?

Who really gets full by eating these? I just had one. It was yummy - but I could eat like 3 of these. And I ate it at 11am - it's going to be a long day.

God's Blessings

You know those times where you say "God will provide - I can't imagine how but He will". Well He does and He did! Amazing. There's really not more you can say. I'm just amazed at His power and glory.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

I love the rain

It's all stormy today and I love it! When Spring starts to arrive (and the daffodils are already blooming!), I enjoy the warm rains. Of course it's going to get colder tomorrow but so what. Today it's warm spring-like rains. Ahh - the smells and the freshness, the fact that it washes away old stuff and helps new things grow. So sit back and enjoy the heavens pouring out it's love!

Teddy Bears

I learned something about myself last week when I saw Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman at Whole Foods. I did make a trip to Whole foods just to see them since Jennifer gave me the tip. As I wandered around feeling like I should buy something, I was drawn to a bag of chocolatey teddy bear cookie snacks. YUM! And cheap - $1.99. So I bought them (waiting in line behind Keith and Nicole of course) and enjoyed them on my way home.

It was then that I noticed when it comes to snacks - if I see teddy bear shaped graham cookie snacks anywhere - I will buy them and eat them. (okay not everywhere I go - but if I'm in the mood for a snack - I will go toward the teddy graham isle). I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the cute little teddy bear shape. Or the delicious flavors. Or the delightful bitesize crunch. But I do like those teddy bear cookies.

My Sweet Valentines

Ahh - Valentines Day has come and gone. Nick and I try not to get too swept up in all the hubub by buying expensive gifts but we do love to show how much we love each other. I bought him his favorite - chocolate covered cherries. Target sells Harry & David brand so I bought his a new kind of chocolate covered cherry (and the all famous Moose Munch). He was hesitant but now they are his most favorite (I have a way of doing that to him :) ). Nick, unfortunately, had to work all weekend at the Home Show with his insulation booth. And I mean - all weekend! So Thursday, as I was working the welcome desk at Lampo's blooddrive, Nick shows up with a tasty treat for me - a smoothie from 9 Fruits! Oh how I love THEE! The card was my favorite - it was one of those recordable cards. Then tonight, as he returned home at last, I made him a fantastic pasta dish and dessert nachos (Thanks Nikkie for that idea!). Then we made a fest of chocolate covered strawberries.

I love you Hubby! You're my best friend!

Here's to you Grandma!

You know those foods that you eat and it reminds you of someone or somewhere? Salt & Vinegar chips remind me of my dear grandma. She once ate a whole bag of them because she loved them so much and couldn't stop. So here's to you Grandma as I finish off my bag of baked salt & vinegar chips (from Target)! No - I didn't eat the whole bag...it took me 3 days to finish it.

Oh Inky

Our cat is special. I've been wondering when I would blog about my cat and I just had to do it. This is a picture of Inky at Christmastime at Nick's parents house. That is Bear that he's holding. We gave Inky the bear when he was a kitten so he could take out his agressions on Bear instead of us (he's a very complicated cat). So now Bear is his friend. He sleeps with him and he has drug Bear to our front step (from the backyard) so he could sleep with Bear on the steps.
So anyways, Nick and I were taking a walk last night - it was so beautiful outside! We walk around the neigherborhood into other subdivisions - it takes about 20-30 minutes to walk it. About 1/2 through the walk, we see a cat perched on a post outside of a house (mind you, it was dark out). I said "Oh pretty kitty! Hi kitty! You have a tag like Inky. You have spots like our cat. I think you are our cat. You are our cat. Sigh". Nick scooped him up and carried him all the way home. I think everyone in the neighborhood knows Inky. He has lost 2 break-away collars - both returned by different neighbors. Oh Inky - and here I thought you were just a cat. Nope, you are OUR very special cat.

The place I feel closest to God

You know those days where you dream of a place you want to be someday? Being on the Dave Ramsey plan it's great knowing that you can actually achieve it and not just dream it.
I dream of land! I grew up on a 100 acre farm and I can feel so closed in at times. I imagine that people who grew up in the city are naturally more comfortable with smaller places but not me. I want my own place to walk and get lost in a thought or a prayer - knowing that other people won't be walking by, knowing that I won't be disturbed.
I will pass a big house on lots of land and I imagine myself there. I imagine a huge vegetable garden, flower garden, apple orchard, a bench under the trees and a quite place with God. In fact, this is where I feel closest to God. I would spend hours in the spring and summer laying in the grass, staring at the clouds and having a conversation with God or sit on the back step, playing with the kittens getting lost in my thoughts.
It has been a struggle mentally for me ever since we got married. We moved to a city where we lived in a townhouse where there were people everywhere! I have never felt that I have been able to find that place where I feel closest to God. There isn't a chair in my house or spot in our little backyard that helps me focus. I even miss my country drive to work that I had in Ohio. It took me 30 minutes of smooth country driving to get to work - and I would usually talk to God the whole way. Now I am looking at all the cars around me, making sure I merge lanes, and oh great a traffic jam! At that pace, all I can get out is usually "God protect our driving today". Sigh. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE living in Nashville and being married but this was a challenge I wasn't expecting.
I know it will happen someday, God knows that part of my heart. I've always wanted my kids to have the space to run and play and imagine like I did growing up. What they say is true! You can take the girl out of the country but not the country out of the girl.

My sandwich has been contaminated!

I realized something about myself today. I'm admitting it - I am a high-maintanence food orderer.
Tara, Jennifer and I went to lunch today at Jersey Mikes (sorry Jennifer but I'm still a Subway fan - more veggie choices). This was going to be easy - turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Oh and a cup of soup! Easy! First I order my soup - Chicken Tortilla please. As the worker in the back is serving it, I ask if there are beans in it. Yes - black and white. ICK! There are few beans I will eat and white are not one of them. That would ruin my perfectly wonderful soup and sandwich lunch. I would have to pick around them and throw them at people (okay so not that part). So I switched to potato soup after they had already served me my tortilla soup. Oops. Onto the sandwich - Lettuce, tomato and salt and pepper. When I said "a little pepper and salt" the server thought I said pickles and salt. Ick! But I saved that one from disaster and got that corrected. Does my meal come with a drink? It took 2 people to figure that out. Just give me a water.
So I sit down with my deliciousness. Jennifer's sandwich was made prior to mine, loaded with mayo and mustard (another ICK! - we'll save "things Julie doesn't like" for another post). The knife that cut my sandwich contaminated it with Jennifer's mayo goo left on the knife. EWW - Jennifer thankfully wiped it off for me.
Overall it was an enjoyable lunch! The food was good, the company was better. But I'm sure the workers were thinking "what a handful!".

Here it is!

I'm proud to announce, due to popular demand, my very first blog! I am a little nervous as I might really be terrible at this whole blog thing but I'm giving it a shot. Being that I had a not-so-good week, I felt that this may be somewhat theraputic, so here I am! Well...I guess that's all I have to say for now. (ACK! I hope my blogging gets better).